Making feelings more productive
As a big fan of their previous book No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work, I was quick to pre-order Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy’s new book Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay. As promised, it’s the survival guide we all wish we had in early 2020.
This book builds on their previous work — which was focused on accepting feelings — to now help you make feelings more productive. The core feelings covered are:
Uncertainty
Comparison
Anger
Burnout
Perfectionism
Despair
Regret
A key point to note is that, regardless of how uncomfortable or undesirable a feeling might be, it should not be judged as good or bad. Rather it should be met with acceptance and curiosity, since it’s a form of information. As Dr. Brené Brown explains in her book Atlas of the Heart (which will likely be an upcoming book club selection), “Language shows us that naming an experience doesn’t give the experience more power, it gives us the power of understanding and meaning.”
Amongst the book club attendees, it was highly personal which feelings resonated more and caused us to reflect: “what does this mean for me and what am I going to do about it?” As leaders, we talked about how these feelings show up in our teams and how we can support others moving through these emotions.
Here are our top three takeaways and how you can apply personally and with your team:
Make plans from which we’ll deviate. To address the mental swirl of uncertainty, reframe your thinking into a line of action (from “I’m afraid I’ll be laid off” to “What will I do if I’m laid off?”). This is similar to how a project manager would create a contingency plan in the face of risk. While the plan you make might not necessarily ever be used, going through the planning process can help remind you that you are an adept and capable problem-solver. With your team, set expectations that deviations are likely and shouldn’t be met with concern. Learn how each person on the team tolerates uncertainty, and utilize those with a higher tolerance and strong resilience to serve as a change coalition that helps normalize change for their colleagues. Planning can also be done as a team to help internalize confidence in the midst of uncertainty.
Burnout is the result of one of three feelings: overextended, unengaged, or ineffective. This is where getting specific matters, since identifying the underlying condition determines the course of resolution. This is true for you personally as well as managing someone with burnout. Burnout is fueled by adrenaline (and consequently dampens self-awareness), so you might feel really productive and exhilarated right before you crash. Therefore, it’s critical to identify early warning signs of burnout. For me, that looks like losing track of time though not being in a flow state and mindless Cheeto consumption. Creating a personal checklist can help you and your team keep tabs on when burnout is creeping up.
To counter the tendency to emotionally stereotype (the assumption that behavior is driven based on an identity, such as “women are quick to cry”), try opening each new working relationship with an intentional conversation about each person’s natural emotional and work styles. Much like how political divides can be bridged by getting to know someone from the opposite party, you can move past emotional stereotypes by focusing on individual characteristics instead of a generalization about their group identity. A personal user manual is a tool for articulating and communicating your natural work styles, emotional style, values, and preferences in a way that's easy to share with others.
Be sure to check out Liz and Mollie’s Instagram for a regular dose of thought-provoking graphics (as well as a video tutorial of the perfect way to eat Cheetos).
Book Club is a space where curious people can come together to talk about ways to make the workplace more human, where all employees feel like they belong. Read more and sign up for future events here.